A Tribute to My Broken Heart

25 Oct

broken heartI turned 37 this year, and I didn’t experience a broken heart until this year.  Some people might think I’ve been fortunate.  I disagree.

I gave my heart to the Lord shortly after I turned twenty eight.  Before I knew the Lord, I had no idea how to love someone and how to open my heart to them.  I walked through life with a cold, mostly dead heart, and I was content that way.  It’s hard to get hurt when I avoid pain.  I was afraid to feel anything at all, so I walked around numb to those around me.  Opening my heart to others was a scary place for me to be, and anyone who knew me before I gave my heart to the Lord can attest to that.

After I gave my heart to Him, I began to yearn for more.

It was a very slow process (I’m stubborn, after all).  First, I was drawn to Him.  I remember those first couple of years with the Lord.  He showed me so much about His love for me.  Then it spread to a desire to connect.  I just wanted friends, and the Lord answered my prayers.  I joined a small group at my church called YAS (Young Adult Singles).  I grew in my relationships, and I am still friends with many of those people today.  Still, there was a part of me that always held back.  I was afraid if I opened up to someone, they would see the real me and would quickly “swim away” as Marlin said in Finding Nemo.

I walked around like this for several more years. I graduated college and made a few more friends.  I started my career and began to meet new people.  I even made one of my goals this year to meet new people.  I’ve joined the Huntsville Track Club, I’ve started a couple of Bible studies, and I am a part of the Rocket City Marathon planning committee.

Over the last year, I had the great pleasure of meeting a new friend who worked in the same office as me.  She is a truly wonderful person.  She is kind, caring, and generous.  She makes everyone she talks to feel like they’re the most important person in the room.  She makes people feel special.  She certainly did for me.  She made time and effort for me.  She drove over 70 miles just to go to church with me once, and she drove that same distance just to see my college and see where I spent a lot of my time.

She found a new job and left our office in April.  Because of my insecurities and my struggles, I knew that I would have trouble with the transition.  If I can be honest, I was afraid I would lose her friendship when she left.  After the first month, my insecurities reared their ugly heads, and around a month after that, she told me that she couldn’t be my friend any more.

I was devastated.  I still am.  I couldn’t believe that I did that to her – that I forced her to end our friendship. At one time, I think she cared about me and valued our friendship, but she is just not able to be my friend now.  It hurts as I type this, but I’m finally not crying.  I do feel like I let her down.  I mismanaged my emotions several times, and I just think she couldn’t take it anymore.

I have cried; I have blamed myself over and over again. I have apologized to her and to the Lord for ruining things.  I have had the worst time getting over this.  I’ve had my first broken heart.  My broken heart is not over the person. It’s because of the situation.  I am grieving because my inability to handle my emotions led to the termination of our friendship.  I simply can’t do anything to correct this.  I’ve done all that I can, and I am having the worst trouble forgiving myself for letting her down and for hurting her. At this point, she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I am still so disappointed!

But, I wouldn’t give any of this pain back.  I don’t want to stifle the pain I am feeling. I want to walk through this pain, and I want God to have His way through this situation.  Even if the whole thing is my fault, I know God can work all things together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  I hope one day our friendship can be reconciled.  God is a god of reconciliation.  18 “Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.” 2 Cor 5:18-19 But right now, I want to feel it all.  My heart is finally alive!  I am finally feeling love and acceptance, and while I still hurt daily, I don’t want to not feel.  God has given me many wonderful people who are walking through this pain with me.  They are understanding and graceful.  They listen and accept me for who I am – A HOT MESS!!!

So, I’m thankful for my broken heart, and I know that the Lord will have His way in my heart.  I miss my friend daily, and I feel so much regret for my behavior.  It’s crazy, I know, but I’m thankful for the pain, and I’m certainly thankful for my friend.  I wish her the very best.  Maybe one day our paths will cross again, and we can become friends.  That is my hope and prayer.  Until then, I will continue to thank the Lord for the pain because I know He’s preparing me for my next step.  I wonder what it will be?

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3 Responses to “A Tribute to My Broken Heart”

  1. Stephanie October 26, 2013 at 08:50 #

    Thank you for your transparency!

  2. Laura October 26, 2013 at 09:11 #

    Love it! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Laura October 26, 2013 at 17:31 #

    Very brave post. I did the same thing many, many years ago. Just be a bigger girl than me and don’t turn the pain into a self-destructing regret. Learn from it, leave it, and “keep on swimming!”

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